In my Art Blog 6 I wrote about making art to get attention versus making art by paying attention and being present. It became clear to me that I am doing the latter. Now, a similar question has come up: Do I want approval for my art? This unfortunately rings a bell. Wanting approval is a familiar pattern in my life. In my 50’s I realized that I was still looking for approval from my mother, and that if I kept trying to prove to her that I’m ok, I was going to kill myself. I had to stop. My mom wanted me to be social and successful. And I am introvert and creative instead, lacking the drive for worldly success. At some moment of crisis, I surrendered to the fact that approval wasn’t going to come from her. So, I gave up trying to be what I wasn’t and started to approve of myself. This felt very freeing to me.

Now, 20 years later, a comment by one of my mentors made me realize that this need for approval still lingers when it comes to my art. My art blogs have been a vehicle for exploring this quandary: who am I as an artist, and how should I share my art in the world? All this time, I did not recognize the Elephant in the room: I’m looking for approval!. I had been busy sorting out in my head who will like my art and who will not (for example the art world), and how to stay safe and avoid rejection. Now I realize that it doesn’t matter whether others approve or don’t approve of my art! I need to claim my own sovereignty and approve of my art myself! This insight seems to eliminate an insecurity that comes over me when I wonder if people in the art world, or people who have a lot of knowledge about art will like what I create. Mostly, I preemptively avoid  their rejection by telling myself that they won’t, and that, in their eyes,  my art is not good enough. With people that I know it’s easier of course. Whatever they say is fine with me and doesn’t affect me in the same way as the judgment of these other people does. But with strangers, art institutions, “the world”, I tell myself they won’t approve of my art. Is this true? Or am I simply afraid of their judgment because deep down I’m looking for their approval? On my own, in my studio while making the art I am confident and at peace. Only when I think of the eyes of those other, art critic-type people seeing it, this doubt creeps in.

This revelation gives me a profound sense of peace. What others think of my art actually is none of my business. I have a wonderful sense of freedom when I think that I can be the one who approves of my art, no matter what others feel or say about it. And I recognize that this is the same thing I I learned earlier in my life as a teacher of body and energy work: I can’t make absolutely everyone happy! Some paintings I make I know came out in a way where they will be liked, and there are others where I wonder if anyone besides me will like them. And there are some paintings that keep calling me back for years to work on them some more. Some of my paintings are favorites with everyone, and some of my “runts” to my surprise find someone who loves them. Some people like my realistic work and not the abstract, and others go for what I think are the wildest, crazy abstract ones. I cannot predict or control who will like or dislike what. Once the painting is completed, it is not “my” painting anymore, it belongs now to the viewer.

As long as I follow my heart in my creative process and keep challenging myself to grow and expand as an artist, I’m OK. And when someone likes a painting and wants it, it’s a pleasant and joyful surprise. My job is to keep making the art as honestly as I possibly can, and let go of the need for anybody’s approval! Maybe I will even be more relaxed about the possibility of  my art being seen by the more art-critical people out there if I don’t need their approval anymore. I can be me, and joyfully and “stubbornly” keep making my art the way I need to without fearing anyone’s disapproval anymore!